A week ago, my performers and I staged 'The Failure Project' at Open Space, part of the International Workshops Festival. A very weird experience...
All that time ago, when I first sent in my application form to be considered for Open Space, I was very early on in the process. I didn't even have my performers back then, except for Hayley, and the whole piece was a speck in my mind at that point.
We arrived on the Saturday and immediately, two elements jumped out at me that worried me - firstly, the space was MASSIVE. Much bigger than Performance Space 1. I was concerned that the space would be too big for my performers, and would drown out the piece. We didn't have much time to deal with the bigness of the space either. Secondly, the lighting. I already knew that the lighting of the space would be simple - that's fine, I thought, we can deal with that. I had read on the website that there was a lighting rig and thought we could come up with something simple but atmospheric. When I arrived, I realised that by 'simple' lighting, they meant 'the lightbulbs on the ceiling' - no lighting rig at all. AH!
OK, I thought, never mind, we still have the music, our props, and most importantly of all, the performers, their tasks, and their interactions with each other and the audience.
So evening came along and it was time to perform - we were third out of four pieces to be shown that night (the other three pieces were all dances). I took my seat and watched my performers on stage.
My first instinct was: it's bombing. In fact I whispered to my boyfriend in the middle of it "(the audience hate it!)". My boyfriend looked at me and nodded in sympathy. Oh bloody hell. My performers marched through the performance valiently, giving it energy, trying to use as much of the space as they could, trying to connect with the spectators, but they didn't have an audience to bounce off of like they usually do. Which is fair enough, I guess - the audience are not obliged to do anything.
Sarah Jane told me that she had received some really positive comments after the show from audience members who had come up to her...Mandy also had the theory that dance audiences tend to be very subdued in general, whether they like something or not. I don't know about that...So was I wrong in thinking it went badly? I won't get the chance to receive proper feedback from the audience there that night so I probably won't ever know. I have confidence in this piece, and in the performers. So I don't feel bad about Open Space. But for me, what I was watching in front of me that night felt - as alien and strange.
What became clear to me on that night is just how much of the piece has been constructed and designed. I hadn't realised, but I made it for Performance Space 1, and outside of that context, without the lighting I had designed, with the restrictions on our actions due to the dance floor, without any of the filmed material, the atmosphere was completely transformed. This is reassuring for me to know. I had been having some problems before the festival about the aesthetics of the piece - despite all my talk about construction the design of the piece is fairly minimalist (I think), with many elements dependant on the improvisational nature of the piece, and I was worried that people could then conclude that because it wasn't conventionally beautiful, I hadn't put any thought into it. Having now seen the difference it makes to the piece, I don't think that now.
So where does that leave us in terms of taking the piece to other places? I still want to, and I don't think I have to compromise the peice in order to do so. So if I'm going to find a way of negotionating these two worries, I need to take the same time I did in creating the aesthetic for the original piece, in order to create a NEW aesthetic for a NEW space and context. A one hour technical rehearsal, never having seen the soace before,is not going to cut it.
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
Yes, Lets
An epic tale of an afternoon spent with The Failure Project performers. The game 'yes, let's'...played to the extreme. The idea was to get everyone feeling more comfortable with each other, to open up, to be silly, to let go.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Retrospective
Apologies for the lack of posting recently. I have meant to write something here quite a few times in the past couple of weeks, but with the festival and everything, I have had barely enough time to think, let alone write a coherent blog.
But now that the festival has finished…Ahhh. Time for the retrospective post, the one written after it’s all over, though for me it isn’t really since I will be continuing with my investigations into failure at least until I have graduated. The post filled with snappy lines about how much we’ve all learnt. Sorry, just realised how sarcastic that sounds. For me at least, I have learnt a massive amount. The process of putting on a piece in general, any piece, has been a valuable experience just in terms of the practical stuff, of setting up lighting, props, sound, of putting all the technical stuff into place, organising rehearsals and, yes, health and safety (shudder). Of course I’ve done all this before, but never as the sole, lone director.
Directing (or facilitating, whatever you wanna call what I did) four other performers has also taken me on a huge learning curve – I had to discover a tougher, more assured side to my personality and basically be a ‘leader’, which is something I had to work on as it doesn’t come naturally to me. When my boyfriend Jefferson (who wrote and animated the text shown in the film) came to watch a rehearsal, he commented afterwards on how weird it was to see me be authoritative. I had to watch each rehearsal like a hawk, concentrating on everything I saw and detecting the relationships and dynamics of each performer to the tasks, the other performers, me, and themselves, using these observations to inform how I then devised each following task, considering who did what and with whom. I won’t go into the details now of what exactly I perceived these dynamics and relationships to be – this isn’t the right forum to go spilling into a psychological analysis of everyone. And anyway, perhaps the performers already have a clue of what my observations might have been. But it has become clear to me that this was one of the most important elements of this process – that I try and gain as much information as possible about these performers and everything that made them tick (which is why as well as my own observations, we would spend a lot of time in each rehearsal chatting about how each task felt for each performer. I also gave each performer a questionnaire to fill in, and invited two other people to witness rehearsals and discuss with me their own observations).
This emphasis on the uniqueness and individual personality of each performer during the process, and then in the piece itself, was crucial – the piece was about stripping away, or peeking through, the layers of artifice, or ‘performance’, that we see on stage so often, exposing the human being that is live, in the flesh, there on the stage in front of us. Of witnessing a piece of theatre that was truly present, live, ‘now’ through witnessing struggle, weakness, failure.
My performers were performing, and not performing, at the same time.
Am I talking rubbish? I feel like I’m going off on one…
In general, I think I am a better director, deviser, practitioner, than I was at the beginning of this process. I still think that ‘failure’ has not been exhausted as a concept. I also think there are ways that I could have made the piece better – for example…I had always seen three shows as three experiments, and marketed it to audiences that way. The way I devised it, as improvisational and task-based, fitted this too. I tried as much as I could, therefore, to change the variables of each of these experiments, changing the music each night, changing the nature of Sarah Jane’s tasks (both in the messages she reveals to the audience and the structure of the tasks themselves), and of course, as it was improvisational, expecting the performers to improvise with new material every night, approaching the tasks in new ways each time and giving the audience new information in the introduction and conclusion. I do think, however, I could have gone even further with it – ideally, I wanted to change the order of the tasks, perhaps play around with the lighting or sound more, even give them new tasks – for obvious practical reasons, however, none of this was really possible. In terms of the course and what I was required to do, it would have been too messy to change all this stuff, too much like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and just changing stuff for the sake of it rather than to actually examine if it changed the nature of the performance, and anyway, the technical and production staff wouldn’t have stood for it.
Watching the piece in the three performances was a strange experience for me – I felt a great sense of pride at seeing my ‘baby’ up there on stage, obviously, and it was very gratifying to hear the audiences responses (whether it was laughter, applause, cheering, or even in some cases, sighing and noises of frustration or suspense). I was also proud that the performers threw themselves into it so much – each of them, in different ways, whether emotionally or physically, pushed themselves in the live performances, and revealed more and more of themselves. It’s not an easy thing to do. There will always be a certain amount of self-censorship present in people, but given more time with this group, I can’t help but think about the possibilities, about developing this idea of exposure into different areas, different types of performance, different questions, etc. etc. I wonder what the performers have taken from the experience – hopefully, they will have gained, in some sense, a better awareness of their own behaviours, they way they think and behave not just in performance but in everyday life.
The audience responses were very interesting too – many audience members were torn between laughter and discomfort, between wanting the performers to succeed and wanting them to fail. Let’s take, for example, Darren’s scene, and the range of responses it garnered. Some found it entertaining and funny, some found it deeply uncomfortable (the most difficult task to watch, in fact). As the performers and I discussed recently, some cheered whenever Darren caught a sweet in his mouth – but only so that he could fill his mouth completely and fail and the speech task. Many people seemed thoughtful after the show, and wanted to ask more questions and find out more about the process. All of these responses are brilliant to me – firstly, because it is just so interesting discovering how people respond to what are very emotive topics (success and failure). Secondly, because I wanted to play with these emotions by juxtaposing them – some people recalled laughing and then feeling very uncomfortable straight afterwards, wishing someone to fail then feeling very guilty for wishing that in the first place, feeling upset at someone’s failure then seeing something that suddenly renders the whole thing ridiculous, or finding the whole thing entertaining but then being struck by and suddenly realising a performer’s emotional and physical investment, or exposure, in a scene. Thirdly, I didn’t want to stamp my own opinions too much onto the piece. I wanted to create an experience that encouraged each spectator to bring their own personalities to the piece and how they viewed it, creating their own version of events, if you like.
I think I’m babbling…
I’m glad I have done this piece, and that I have done it with these performers. It has been a long, difficult, tiring, sometimes exhausting and exasperating experience. It has also been littered with failures. But I am so glad I have done it.
But now that the festival has finished…Ahhh. Time for the retrospective post, the one written after it’s all over, though for me it isn’t really since I will be continuing with my investigations into failure at least until I have graduated. The post filled with snappy lines about how much we’ve all learnt. Sorry, just realised how sarcastic that sounds. For me at least, I have learnt a massive amount. The process of putting on a piece in general, any piece, has been a valuable experience just in terms of the practical stuff, of setting up lighting, props, sound, of putting all the technical stuff into place, organising rehearsals and, yes, health and safety (shudder). Of course I’ve done all this before, but never as the sole, lone director.
Directing (or facilitating, whatever you wanna call what I did) four other performers has also taken me on a huge learning curve – I had to discover a tougher, more assured side to my personality and basically be a ‘leader’, which is something I had to work on as it doesn’t come naturally to me. When my boyfriend Jefferson (who wrote and animated the text shown in the film) came to watch a rehearsal, he commented afterwards on how weird it was to see me be authoritative. I had to watch each rehearsal like a hawk, concentrating on everything I saw and detecting the relationships and dynamics of each performer to the tasks, the other performers, me, and themselves, using these observations to inform how I then devised each following task, considering who did what and with whom. I won’t go into the details now of what exactly I perceived these dynamics and relationships to be – this isn’t the right forum to go spilling into a psychological analysis of everyone. And anyway, perhaps the performers already have a clue of what my observations might have been. But it has become clear to me that this was one of the most important elements of this process – that I try and gain as much information as possible about these performers and everything that made them tick (which is why as well as my own observations, we would spend a lot of time in each rehearsal chatting about how each task felt for each performer. I also gave each performer a questionnaire to fill in, and invited two other people to witness rehearsals and discuss with me their own observations).
This emphasis on the uniqueness and individual personality of each performer during the process, and then in the piece itself, was crucial – the piece was about stripping away, or peeking through, the layers of artifice, or ‘performance’, that we see on stage so often, exposing the human being that is live, in the flesh, there on the stage in front of us. Of witnessing a piece of theatre that was truly present, live, ‘now’ through witnessing struggle, weakness, failure.
My performers were performing, and not performing, at the same time.
Am I talking rubbish? I feel like I’m going off on one…
In general, I think I am a better director, deviser, practitioner, than I was at the beginning of this process. I still think that ‘failure’ has not been exhausted as a concept. I also think there are ways that I could have made the piece better – for example…I had always seen three shows as three experiments, and marketed it to audiences that way. The way I devised it, as improvisational and task-based, fitted this too. I tried as much as I could, therefore, to change the variables of each of these experiments, changing the music each night, changing the nature of Sarah Jane’s tasks (both in the messages she reveals to the audience and the structure of the tasks themselves), and of course, as it was improvisational, expecting the performers to improvise with new material every night, approaching the tasks in new ways each time and giving the audience new information in the introduction and conclusion. I do think, however, I could have gone even further with it – ideally, I wanted to change the order of the tasks, perhaps play around with the lighting or sound more, even give them new tasks – for obvious practical reasons, however, none of this was really possible. In terms of the course and what I was required to do, it would have been too messy to change all this stuff, too much like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and just changing stuff for the sake of it rather than to actually examine if it changed the nature of the performance, and anyway, the technical and production staff wouldn’t have stood for it.
Watching the piece in the three performances was a strange experience for me – I felt a great sense of pride at seeing my ‘baby’ up there on stage, obviously, and it was very gratifying to hear the audiences responses (whether it was laughter, applause, cheering, or even in some cases, sighing and noises of frustration or suspense). I was also proud that the performers threw themselves into it so much – each of them, in different ways, whether emotionally or physically, pushed themselves in the live performances, and revealed more and more of themselves. It’s not an easy thing to do. There will always be a certain amount of self-censorship present in people, but given more time with this group, I can’t help but think about the possibilities, about developing this idea of exposure into different areas, different types of performance, different questions, etc. etc. I wonder what the performers have taken from the experience – hopefully, they will have gained, in some sense, a better awareness of their own behaviours, they way they think and behave not just in performance but in everyday life.
The audience responses were very interesting too – many audience members were torn between laughter and discomfort, between wanting the performers to succeed and wanting them to fail. Let’s take, for example, Darren’s scene, and the range of responses it garnered. Some found it entertaining and funny, some found it deeply uncomfortable (the most difficult task to watch, in fact). As the performers and I discussed recently, some cheered whenever Darren caught a sweet in his mouth – but only so that he could fill his mouth completely and fail and the speech task. Many people seemed thoughtful after the show, and wanted to ask more questions and find out more about the process. All of these responses are brilliant to me – firstly, because it is just so interesting discovering how people respond to what are very emotive topics (success and failure). Secondly, because I wanted to play with these emotions by juxtaposing them – some people recalled laughing and then feeling very uncomfortable straight afterwards, wishing someone to fail then feeling very guilty for wishing that in the first place, feeling upset at someone’s failure then seeing something that suddenly renders the whole thing ridiculous, or finding the whole thing entertaining but then being struck by and suddenly realising a performer’s emotional and physical investment, or exposure, in a scene. Thirdly, I didn’t want to stamp my own opinions too much onto the piece. I wanted to create an experience that encouraged each spectator to bring their own personalities to the piece and how they viewed it, creating their own version of events, if you like.
I think I’m babbling…
I’m glad I have done this piece, and that I have done it with these performers. It has been a long, difficult, tiring, sometimes exhausting and exasperating experience. It has also been littered with failures. But I am so glad I have done it.
Monday, 15 September 2008
The Wise Words of Tim Etchells
'Investment is what happens when the performers before us seem bound up unspeakably with what they are doing - it seems to matter to them, it appears to hurt them or threatens to pleasure them, it seems to touch them, in some quite and terrible way.
Investment draws us in. Something is happening - real and therefore risked - something seems to slip across from the private world to the public one - and the performers are 'left open' or 'left exposed'.
To be bound up with what you are doing, to be at risk in it, to be exposed by it. As performers we recognise but cannot always control these moments - they happen, perhaps, in spite of us.'
We, performers of the Failure Project, need to invest. With a week to go we need to push against, stretch out and commit to our given tasks. Seek, discover, embarrass and expose. Who cares if we don't?
'Investment is the bottom line - without it nothing matters'
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Hi.
Blog post number 1 from the biggest failure in the group...having failed so far in not contributing to the blog.
Just checking to see if this works and I am promising you all that I will write something a little more in depth this evening!
Hope you are all well and looking forward to Failing.
Love H x
Blog post number 1 from the biggest failure in the group...having failed so far in not contributing to the blog.
Just checking to see if this works and I am promising you all that I will write something a little more in depth this evening!
Hope you are all well and looking forward to Failing.
Love H x
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Exposure - Questionnaire
Full Name
Amanda Castro Romasanta
Date of Birth
17th April 1985
Height
I make a point of not knowing this as it is a sore subject – but I imagine it’s 5ft 1 or 2
Weight
51 kilos – I know this because the doctor told me recently
Eye Colour
Brown
Hair colour (both real and fake if applicable)
Brown
Shoe Size
Mostly 4, sometimes a 5
Clothes Size
Mostly 8, sometimes a 10
Nationality
Spanish (both parents are from Spain, I was born in London)
Distinguishing physical features
Frizzy, curly hair, shortness, no scars but all the women in my family have a mole on the back of their neck.
What is the first album you bought?
Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette – I must have been going through my angry woman phase but I stand by my purchase!
What is your favourite film?
I can never answer this question but just for the heck of it…The Big Lebowski. To my mind, it’s perfect in every way.
What is your guilty pleasure (something you should be ashamed to like)?
This is a recent one, but during the bank holiday weekend I found myself sucked into watching more MTV than I usually would, and now I am obsessed with The Hills. I’m sorry. There is something fascinating about watching idiots live lives that don’t correspond to my experience of real life on TV.
What was the last argument you had and with whom?
It was probably with my sister – I was ordering pizza over the internet, and she asked me to order something in particular which I didn’t hear, even though I was sitting right next to her. When I got it wrong she got pissed off at me so I told her to order her own damn pizza and walked off, laptop in hand. I feel stupid even re-telling this story.
What is the song that you feel most represents you?
I've thought about this long and hard and have NO idea.
If you were on a desert Island and could have only one item what would it be?
Jefferson Toal (although I wouldn’t call refer to him as an item). I literally couldn’t get by without him.
If you were animal, which one would you be and why?
I’ve always admired cats for being independent and intelligent and beautiful and just generally being very cool and although they’re a bit too selfish for my liking I’ll go with them anyway, because they’re also very funny (especially when they fall over).
What was the last lie you told?
I lie all the time at work, so it was probably there…it wasn’t a specific lie, but this morning I did pretend to go and do something work-related when actually I was making a personal phone call. I also spent over half an hour reading over my boyfriend’s dissertation instead of working. In my defence, I make up for constantly taking breaks by working hard and being quite good at my job the rest of the time (and I’m a fast typer so I can get away with it)
What was the biggest lie you’ve told?
I never really tell major lies...I did get myself a job on the understanding I would stay for at least a year, I when actually I was secretly planning to leave after six months and go travelling. When I left, I told them I was going to make documentaries in India, and they believed me (only the first half of it was true)
I heard yesterday of a friend of a friend who pretended to be blind for two years…now THAT is a lie.
What are your 3 most positive character traits?
I think I am caring, creative and passionate.
What are your 3 most negative character traits?
Probably that I am impatient, sarcastic, and lacking in confidence.
Now get a close friend to answer questions 21 and 22.
My ‘close friend’ (i.e. Jeff) refused to answer the question properly, but eventually said:
Positive Traits: Nice, funny, and intelligent.
Negative Traits: She won’t play ‘Braid’ (a computer game), she makes me answer stupid questions, she doesn’t 'get' Lost (which I do, I just don’t think it’s that great).
What was the best day of your life?
Hmmm…I can’t really say. I don’t really think I’ve had anything good enough to label ‘the best day of my life’, wasn’t that excited when I got any of my exam results, haven’t won anything major, not married, no kids…that’s usually what people pick. I was pretty darn happy when me and Jeff got together though; that was pretty good, and it had been preceeded by a pretty wicked day hanging out with him and one of my best friends Sahil on the Sussex Downs.
What was the worst day of your life?
The day my grandmother died. She had been taken to hospital about a week earlier suffering from pneumonia – the doctors had expected her to make a full recovery but one night she suddenly took a massive turn for the worse and there was nothing they could do for her. The whole family came to the hospital, sat in her intensive care room, and watched her die. I remember obsessively staring at the screen that showed her heartbeat and breathing, waiting for something to happen. My grandfather’s death would also be up there except that when my grandmother died, I was already pretty depressed due to other problems in my family and general stress at school.
Tell me a secret.
I won't ever allow different foods to touch on my plate.
What character traits do you admire in others?
Bravery, kindness and humour.
What character traits do you despise in others?
Rudeness, being inconsiderate of others, and cowardice
What is the most pain you have ever been in?
When I was about 5 years old, my mum was in the kitchen ironing. I was in the kitchen too and for some inexplicable reason decided it would be a good idea to touch the hot side of the iron, which I did, with my entire hand. Thankfully I don’t remember the pain, only the screaming and shouting and being picked up, and then later showing off my bandaged hand to everyone in sight.
What has been the biggest failure in your life?
As I’ve said before I honestly don’t feel like I have encountered any massive failure. I do wish though, that I wasn’t one of those people that is terrible at most physical stuff. I can dance (in a club), I can do a forward roll, and swim enough to not drown, and that’s it. I feel like people get kudos for being naturally good at this stuff and it’s something that I’ve never been able to access, even when I try practising.
What has been the biggest success in your life?
I take great pride in the fact that I funded my travelling and my entire MA completely by myself, without help from my parents. If I’m honest, I have a slight chip on my shoulder about it. It’s very important to me to have that level of independence (although I do still live at home which I don’t particularly want to do).
What was your biggest failure on stage?
When my boob fell out of my top in the middle of a show (which, incidentally, was a absurdist version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream)…I want to curl up and die when I think about it, I truly do.
Name a physical action you have never been able to do.
Cartwheel, amongst many other things.
What scares you the most?
I would really, REALLY hate to die by drowning, I don’t know why but to me it would be a terrifying way to die. I’m even more terrified of getting Alzheimer’s – my grand father had it and it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world to see him deteriorate day by day. When you have it you become a different person – you not only lose your mental faculties like memory, but your personality, the essence of your being. To me, Alzheimer’s killed him way before he actually, physically died.
What excites you the most?
Performing and performance can give me a real buzz that is unlike anything else. I also like rollercoasters.
When was the last time you cried?
I think it was when I saw a really graphic picture of someone dead on the internet – it was a girl who had died in the middle of an exorcism. I am usually quite mentally strong when it comes to stuff like this, but it was unexpected and a very, very horrible picture. Not in the sense that it was bloody and gory or anything – she just looked terrifying.
What is your biggest regret?
Not being there for Jefferson when he was going through a really tough time (I was travelling).
What makes you laugh?
Lots of things…I have a sense of humour that can be very dark, but I love very silly things too. One thing that has been making me laugh non-stop at the moment is this You Tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLGfbL9Cfxc
What is your most burning desire in life?
To make a good career out of my passion for performance (never gonna happen, is it?)
Fill in the gap:
SIAC!
Amanda Castro Romasanta
Date of Birth
17th April 1985
Height
I make a point of not knowing this as it is a sore subject – but I imagine it’s 5ft 1 or 2
Weight
51 kilos – I know this because the doctor told me recently
Eye Colour
Brown
Hair colour (both real and fake if applicable)
Brown
Shoe Size
Mostly 4, sometimes a 5
Clothes Size
Mostly 8, sometimes a 10
Nationality
Spanish (both parents are from Spain, I was born in London)
Distinguishing physical features
Frizzy, curly hair, shortness, no scars but all the women in my family have a mole on the back of their neck.
What is the first album you bought?
Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette – I must have been going through my angry woman phase but I stand by my purchase!
What is your favourite film?
I can never answer this question but just for the heck of it…The Big Lebowski. To my mind, it’s perfect in every way.
What is your guilty pleasure (something you should be ashamed to like)?
This is a recent one, but during the bank holiday weekend I found myself sucked into watching more MTV than I usually would, and now I am obsessed with The Hills. I’m sorry. There is something fascinating about watching idiots live lives that don’t correspond to my experience of real life on TV.
What was the last argument you had and with whom?
It was probably with my sister – I was ordering pizza over the internet, and she asked me to order something in particular which I didn’t hear, even though I was sitting right next to her. When I got it wrong she got pissed off at me so I told her to order her own damn pizza and walked off, laptop in hand. I feel stupid even re-telling this story.
What is the song that you feel most represents you?
I've thought about this long and hard and have NO idea.
If you were on a desert Island and could have only one item what would it be?
Jefferson Toal (although I wouldn’t call refer to him as an item). I literally couldn’t get by without him.
If you were animal, which one would you be and why?
I’ve always admired cats for being independent and intelligent and beautiful and just generally being very cool and although they’re a bit too selfish for my liking I’ll go with them anyway, because they’re also very funny (especially when they fall over).
What was the last lie you told?
I lie all the time at work, so it was probably there…it wasn’t a specific lie, but this morning I did pretend to go and do something work-related when actually I was making a personal phone call. I also spent over half an hour reading over my boyfriend’s dissertation instead of working. In my defence, I make up for constantly taking breaks by working hard and being quite good at my job the rest of the time (and I’m a fast typer so I can get away with it)
What was the biggest lie you’ve told?
I never really tell major lies...I did get myself a job on the understanding I would stay for at least a year, I when actually I was secretly planning to leave after six months and go travelling. When I left, I told them I was going to make documentaries in India, and they believed me (only the first half of it was true)
I heard yesterday of a friend of a friend who pretended to be blind for two years…now THAT is a lie.
What are your 3 most positive character traits?
I think I am caring, creative and passionate.
What are your 3 most negative character traits?
Probably that I am impatient, sarcastic, and lacking in confidence.
Now get a close friend to answer questions 21 and 22.
My ‘close friend’ (i.e. Jeff) refused to answer the question properly, but eventually said:
Positive Traits: Nice, funny, and intelligent.
Negative Traits: She won’t play ‘Braid’ (a computer game), she makes me answer stupid questions, she doesn’t 'get' Lost (which I do, I just don’t think it’s that great).
What was the best day of your life?
Hmmm…I can’t really say. I don’t really think I’ve had anything good enough to label ‘the best day of my life’, wasn’t that excited when I got any of my exam results, haven’t won anything major, not married, no kids…that’s usually what people pick. I was pretty darn happy when me and Jeff got together though; that was pretty good, and it had been preceeded by a pretty wicked day hanging out with him and one of my best friends Sahil on the Sussex Downs.
What was the worst day of your life?
The day my grandmother died. She had been taken to hospital about a week earlier suffering from pneumonia – the doctors had expected her to make a full recovery but one night she suddenly took a massive turn for the worse and there was nothing they could do for her. The whole family came to the hospital, sat in her intensive care room, and watched her die. I remember obsessively staring at the screen that showed her heartbeat and breathing, waiting for something to happen. My grandfather’s death would also be up there except that when my grandmother died, I was already pretty depressed due to other problems in my family and general stress at school.
Tell me a secret.
I won't ever allow different foods to touch on my plate.
What character traits do you admire in others?
Bravery, kindness and humour.
What character traits do you despise in others?
Rudeness, being inconsiderate of others, and cowardice
What is the most pain you have ever been in?
When I was about 5 years old, my mum was in the kitchen ironing. I was in the kitchen too and for some inexplicable reason decided it would be a good idea to touch the hot side of the iron, which I did, with my entire hand. Thankfully I don’t remember the pain, only the screaming and shouting and being picked up, and then later showing off my bandaged hand to everyone in sight.
What has been the biggest failure in your life?
As I’ve said before I honestly don’t feel like I have encountered any massive failure. I do wish though, that I wasn’t one of those people that is terrible at most physical stuff. I can dance (in a club), I can do a forward roll, and swim enough to not drown, and that’s it. I feel like people get kudos for being naturally good at this stuff and it’s something that I’ve never been able to access, even when I try practising.
What has been the biggest success in your life?
I take great pride in the fact that I funded my travelling and my entire MA completely by myself, without help from my parents. If I’m honest, I have a slight chip on my shoulder about it. It’s very important to me to have that level of independence (although I do still live at home which I don’t particularly want to do).
What was your biggest failure on stage?
When my boob fell out of my top in the middle of a show (which, incidentally, was a absurdist version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream)…I want to curl up and die when I think about it, I truly do.
Name a physical action you have never been able to do.
Cartwheel, amongst many other things.
What scares you the most?
I would really, REALLY hate to die by drowning, I don’t know why but to me it would be a terrifying way to die. I’m even more terrified of getting Alzheimer’s – my grand father had it and it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world to see him deteriorate day by day. When you have it you become a different person – you not only lose your mental faculties like memory, but your personality, the essence of your being. To me, Alzheimer’s killed him way before he actually, physically died.
What excites you the most?
Performing and performance can give me a real buzz that is unlike anything else. I also like rollercoasters.
When was the last time you cried?
I think it was when I saw a really graphic picture of someone dead on the internet – it was a girl who had died in the middle of an exorcism. I am usually quite mentally strong when it comes to stuff like this, but it was unexpected and a very, very horrible picture. Not in the sense that it was bloody and gory or anything – she just looked terrifying.
What is your biggest regret?
Not being there for Jefferson when he was going through a really tough time (I was travelling).
What makes you laugh?
Lots of things…I have a sense of humour that can be very dark, but I love very silly things too. One thing that has been making me laugh non-stop at the moment is this You Tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLGfbL9Cfxc
What is your most burning desire in life?
To make a good career out of my passion for performance (never gonna happen, is it?)
Fill in the gap:
SIAC!
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