Friday, 17 October 2008
Monday, 13 October 2008
Not I
Another film from the process. Wha is it with me and food-related tasks? I guess it's just that the addition of food to a performative exercise is not only unusual to see, but it also adds so many interesting dimensions to a performance - issues of disgust, pain, abjection, violation, emotion, involuntary actions, fluids, sounds, smells...
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Open Space... and some thoughts on Aesthetics
A week ago, my performers and I staged 'The Failure Project' at Open Space, part of the International Workshops Festival. A very weird experience...
All that time ago, when I first sent in my application form to be considered for Open Space, I was very early on in the process. I didn't even have my performers back then, except for Hayley, and the whole piece was a speck in my mind at that point.
We arrived on the Saturday and immediately, two elements jumped out at me that worried me - firstly, the space was MASSIVE. Much bigger than Performance Space 1. I was concerned that the space would be too big for my performers, and would drown out the piece. We didn't have much time to deal with the bigness of the space either. Secondly, the lighting. I already knew that the lighting of the space would be simple - that's fine, I thought, we can deal with that. I had read on the website that there was a lighting rig and thought we could come up with something simple but atmospheric. When I arrived, I realised that by 'simple' lighting, they meant 'the lightbulbs on the ceiling' - no lighting rig at all. AH!
OK, I thought, never mind, we still have the music, our props, and most importantly of all, the performers, their tasks, and their interactions with each other and the audience.
So evening came along and it was time to perform - we were third out of four pieces to be shown that night (the other three pieces were all dances). I took my seat and watched my performers on stage.
My first instinct was: it's bombing. In fact I whispered to my boyfriend in the middle of it "(the audience hate it!)". My boyfriend looked at me and nodded in sympathy. Oh bloody hell. My performers marched through the performance valiently, giving it energy, trying to use as much of the space as they could, trying to connect with the spectators, but they didn't have an audience to bounce off of like they usually do. Which is fair enough, I guess - the audience are not obliged to do anything.
Sarah Jane told me that she had received some really positive comments after the show from audience members who had come up to her...Mandy also had the theory that dance audiences tend to be very subdued in general, whether they like something or not. I don't know about that...So was I wrong in thinking it went badly? I won't get the chance to receive proper feedback from the audience there that night so I probably won't ever know. I have confidence in this piece, and in the performers. So I don't feel bad about Open Space. But for me, what I was watching in front of me that night felt - as alien and strange.
What became clear to me on that night is just how much of the piece has been constructed and designed. I hadn't realised, but I made it for Performance Space 1, and outside of that context, without the lighting I had designed, with the restrictions on our actions due to the dance floor, without any of the filmed material, the atmosphere was completely transformed. This is reassuring for me to know. I had been having some problems before the festival about the aesthetics of the piece - despite all my talk about construction the design of the piece is fairly minimalist (I think), with many elements dependant on the improvisational nature of the piece, and I was worried that people could then conclude that because it wasn't conventionally beautiful, I hadn't put any thought into it. Having now seen the difference it makes to the piece, I don't think that now.
So where does that leave us in terms of taking the piece to other places? I still want to, and I don't think I have to compromise the peice in order to do so. So if I'm going to find a way of negotionating these two worries, I need to take the same time I did in creating the aesthetic for the original piece, in order to create a NEW aesthetic for a NEW space and context. A one hour technical rehearsal, never having seen the soace before,is not going to cut it.
All that time ago, when I first sent in my application form to be considered for Open Space, I was very early on in the process. I didn't even have my performers back then, except for Hayley, and the whole piece was a speck in my mind at that point.
We arrived on the Saturday and immediately, two elements jumped out at me that worried me - firstly, the space was MASSIVE. Much bigger than Performance Space 1. I was concerned that the space would be too big for my performers, and would drown out the piece. We didn't have much time to deal with the bigness of the space either. Secondly, the lighting. I already knew that the lighting of the space would be simple - that's fine, I thought, we can deal with that. I had read on the website that there was a lighting rig and thought we could come up with something simple but atmospheric. When I arrived, I realised that by 'simple' lighting, they meant 'the lightbulbs on the ceiling' - no lighting rig at all. AH!
OK, I thought, never mind, we still have the music, our props, and most importantly of all, the performers, their tasks, and their interactions with each other and the audience.
So evening came along and it was time to perform - we were third out of four pieces to be shown that night (the other three pieces were all dances). I took my seat and watched my performers on stage.
My first instinct was: it's bombing. In fact I whispered to my boyfriend in the middle of it "(the audience hate it!)". My boyfriend looked at me and nodded in sympathy. Oh bloody hell. My performers marched through the performance valiently, giving it energy, trying to use as much of the space as they could, trying to connect with the spectators, but they didn't have an audience to bounce off of like they usually do. Which is fair enough, I guess - the audience are not obliged to do anything.
Sarah Jane told me that she had received some really positive comments after the show from audience members who had come up to her...Mandy also had the theory that dance audiences tend to be very subdued in general, whether they like something or not. I don't know about that...So was I wrong in thinking it went badly? I won't get the chance to receive proper feedback from the audience there that night so I probably won't ever know. I have confidence in this piece, and in the performers. So I don't feel bad about Open Space. But for me, what I was watching in front of me that night felt - as alien and strange.
What became clear to me on that night is just how much of the piece has been constructed and designed. I hadn't realised, but I made it for Performance Space 1, and outside of that context, without the lighting I had designed, with the restrictions on our actions due to the dance floor, without any of the filmed material, the atmosphere was completely transformed. This is reassuring for me to know. I had been having some problems before the festival about the aesthetics of the piece - despite all my talk about construction the design of the piece is fairly minimalist (I think), with many elements dependant on the improvisational nature of the piece, and I was worried that people could then conclude that because it wasn't conventionally beautiful, I hadn't put any thought into it. Having now seen the difference it makes to the piece, I don't think that now.
So where does that leave us in terms of taking the piece to other places? I still want to, and I don't think I have to compromise the peice in order to do so. So if I'm going to find a way of negotionating these two worries, I need to take the same time I did in creating the aesthetic for the original piece, in order to create a NEW aesthetic for a NEW space and context. A one hour technical rehearsal, never having seen the soace before,is not going to cut it.
Friday, 10 October 2008
Yes, Lets
An epic tale of an afternoon spent with The Failure Project performers. The game 'yes, let's'...played to the extreme. The idea was to get everyone feeling more comfortable with each other, to open up, to be silly, to let go.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Retrospective
Apologies for the lack of posting recently. I have meant to write something here quite a few times in the past couple of weeks, but with the festival and everything, I have had barely enough time to think, let alone write a coherent blog.
But now that the festival has finished…Ahhh. Time for the retrospective post, the one written after it’s all over, though for me it isn’t really since I will be continuing with my investigations into failure at least until I have graduated. The post filled with snappy lines about how much we’ve all learnt. Sorry, just realised how sarcastic that sounds. For me at least, I have learnt a massive amount. The process of putting on a piece in general, any piece, has been a valuable experience just in terms of the practical stuff, of setting up lighting, props, sound, of putting all the technical stuff into place, organising rehearsals and, yes, health and safety (shudder). Of course I’ve done all this before, but never as the sole, lone director.
Directing (or facilitating, whatever you wanna call what I did) four other performers has also taken me on a huge learning curve – I had to discover a tougher, more assured side to my personality and basically be a ‘leader’, which is something I had to work on as it doesn’t come naturally to me. When my boyfriend Jefferson (who wrote and animated the text shown in the film) came to watch a rehearsal, he commented afterwards on how weird it was to see me be authoritative. I had to watch each rehearsal like a hawk, concentrating on everything I saw and detecting the relationships and dynamics of each performer to the tasks, the other performers, me, and themselves, using these observations to inform how I then devised each following task, considering who did what and with whom. I won’t go into the details now of what exactly I perceived these dynamics and relationships to be – this isn’t the right forum to go spilling into a psychological analysis of everyone. And anyway, perhaps the performers already have a clue of what my observations might have been. But it has become clear to me that this was one of the most important elements of this process – that I try and gain as much information as possible about these performers and everything that made them tick (which is why as well as my own observations, we would spend a lot of time in each rehearsal chatting about how each task felt for each performer. I also gave each performer a questionnaire to fill in, and invited two other people to witness rehearsals and discuss with me their own observations).
This emphasis on the uniqueness and individual personality of each performer during the process, and then in the piece itself, was crucial – the piece was about stripping away, or peeking through, the layers of artifice, or ‘performance’, that we see on stage so often, exposing the human being that is live, in the flesh, there on the stage in front of us. Of witnessing a piece of theatre that was truly present, live, ‘now’ through witnessing struggle, weakness, failure.
My performers were performing, and not performing, at the same time.
Am I talking rubbish? I feel like I’m going off on one…
In general, I think I am a better director, deviser, practitioner, than I was at the beginning of this process. I still think that ‘failure’ has not been exhausted as a concept. I also think there are ways that I could have made the piece better – for example…I had always seen three shows as three experiments, and marketed it to audiences that way. The way I devised it, as improvisational and task-based, fitted this too. I tried as much as I could, therefore, to change the variables of each of these experiments, changing the music each night, changing the nature of Sarah Jane’s tasks (both in the messages she reveals to the audience and the structure of the tasks themselves), and of course, as it was improvisational, expecting the performers to improvise with new material every night, approaching the tasks in new ways each time and giving the audience new information in the introduction and conclusion. I do think, however, I could have gone even further with it – ideally, I wanted to change the order of the tasks, perhaps play around with the lighting or sound more, even give them new tasks – for obvious practical reasons, however, none of this was really possible. In terms of the course and what I was required to do, it would have been too messy to change all this stuff, too much like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and just changing stuff for the sake of it rather than to actually examine if it changed the nature of the performance, and anyway, the technical and production staff wouldn’t have stood for it.
Watching the piece in the three performances was a strange experience for me – I felt a great sense of pride at seeing my ‘baby’ up there on stage, obviously, and it was very gratifying to hear the audiences responses (whether it was laughter, applause, cheering, or even in some cases, sighing and noises of frustration or suspense). I was also proud that the performers threw themselves into it so much – each of them, in different ways, whether emotionally or physically, pushed themselves in the live performances, and revealed more and more of themselves. It’s not an easy thing to do. There will always be a certain amount of self-censorship present in people, but given more time with this group, I can’t help but think about the possibilities, about developing this idea of exposure into different areas, different types of performance, different questions, etc. etc. I wonder what the performers have taken from the experience – hopefully, they will have gained, in some sense, a better awareness of their own behaviours, they way they think and behave not just in performance but in everyday life.
The audience responses were very interesting too – many audience members were torn between laughter and discomfort, between wanting the performers to succeed and wanting them to fail. Let’s take, for example, Darren’s scene, and the range of responses it garnered. Some found it entertaining and funny, some found it deeply uncomfortable (the most difficult task to watch, in fact). As the performers and I discussed recently, some cheered whenever Darren caught a sweet in his mouth – but only so that he could fill his mouth completely and fail and the speech task. Many people seemed thoughtful after the show, and wanted to ask more questions and find out more about the process. All of these responses are brilliant to me – firstly, because it is just so interesting discovering how people respond to what are very emotive topics (success and failure). Secondly, because I wanted to play with these emotions by juxtaposing them – some people recalled laughing and then feeling very uncomfortable straight afterwards, wishing someone to fail then feeling very guilty for wishing that in the first place, feeling upset at someone’s failure then seeing something that suddenly renders the whole thing ridiculous, or finding the whole thing entertaining but then being struck by and suddenly realising a performer’s emotional and physical investment, or exposure, in a scene. Thirdly, I didn’t want to stamp my own opinions too much onto the piece. I wanted to create an experience that encouraged each spectator to bring their own personalities to the piece and how they viewed it, creating their own version of events, if you like.
I think I’m babbling…
I’m glad I have done this piece, and that I have done it with these performers. It has been a long, difficult, tiring, sometimes exhausting and exasperating experience. It has also been littered with failures. But I am so glad I have done it.
But now that the festival has finished…Ahhh. Time for the retrospective post, the one written after it’s all over, though for me it isn’t really since I will be continuing with my investigations into failure at least until I have graduated. The post filled with snappy lines about how much we’ve all learnt. Sorry, just realised how sarcastic that sounds. For me at least, I have learnt a massive amount. The process of putting on a piece in general, any piece, has been a valuable experience just in terms of the practical stuff, of setting up lighting, props, sound, of putting all the technical stuff into place, organising rehearsals and, yes, health and safety (shudder). Of course I’ve done all this before, but never as the sole, lone director.
Directing (or facilitating, whatever you wanna call what I did) four other performers has also taken me on a huge learning curve – I had to discover a tougher, more assured side to my personality and basically be a ‘leader’, which is something I had to work on as it doesn’t come naturally to me. When my boyfriend Jefferson (who wrote and animated the text shown in the film) came to watch a rehearsal, he commented afterwards on how weird it was to see me be authoritative. I had to watch each rehearsal like a hawk, concentrating on everything I saw and detecting the relationships and dynamics of each performer to the tasks, the other performers, me, and themselves, using these observations to inform how I then devised each following task, considering who did what and with whom. I won’t go into the details now of what exactly I perceived these dynamics and relationships to be – this isn’t the right forum to go spilling into a psychological analysis of everyone. And anyway, perhaps the performers already have a clue of what my observations might have been. But it has become clear to me that this was one of the most important elements of this process – that I try and gain as much information as possible about these performers and everything that made them tick (which is why as well as my own observations, we would spend a lot of time in each rehearsal chatting about how each task felt for each performer. I also gave each performer a questionnaire to fill in, and invited two other people to witness rehearsals and discuss with me their own observations).
This emphasis on the uniqueness and individual personality of each performer during the process, and then in the piece itself, was crucial – the piece was about stripping away, or peeking through, the layers of artifice, or ‘performance’, that we see on stage so often, exposing the human being that is live, in the flesh, there on the stage in front of us. Of witnessing a piece of theatre that was truly present, live, ‘now’ through witnessing struggle, weakness, failure.
My performers were performing, and not performing, at the same time.
Am I talking rubbish? I feel like I’m going off on one…
In general, I think I am a better director, deviser, practitioner, than I was at the beginning of this process. I still think that ‘failure’ has not been exhausted as a concept. I also think there are ways that I could have made the piece better – for example…I had always seen three shows as three experiments, and marketed it to audiences that way. The way I devised it, as improvisational and task-based, fitted this too. I tried as much as I could, therefore, to change the variables of each of these experiments, changing the music each night, changing the nature of Sarah Jane’s tasks (both in the messages she reveals to the audience and the structure of the tasks themselves), and of course, as it was improvisational, expecting the performers to improvise with new material every night, approaching the tasks in new ways each time and giving the audience new information in the introduction and conclusion. I do think, however, I could have gone even further with it – ideally, I wanted to change the order of the tasks, perhaps play around with the lighting or sound more, even give them new tasks – for obvious practical reasons, however, none of this was really possible. In terms of the course and what I was required to do, it would have been too messy to change all this stuff, too much like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and just changing stuff for the sake of it rather than to actually examine if it changed the nature of the performance, and anyway, the technical and production staff wouldn’t have stood for it.
Watching the piece in the three performances was a strange experience for me – I felt a great sense of pride at seeing my ‘baby’ up there on stage, obviously, and it was very gratifying to hear the audiences responses (whether it was laughter, applause, cheering, or even in some cases, sighing and noises of frustration or suspense). I was also proud that the performers threw themselves into it so much – each of them, in different ways, whether emotionally or physically, pushed themselves in the live performances, and revealed more and more of themselves. It’s not an easy thing to do. There will always be a certain amount of self-censorship present in people, but given more time with this group, I can’t help but think about the possibilities, about developing this idea of exposure into different areas, different types of performance, different questions, etc. etc. I wonder what the performers have taken from the experience – hopefully, they will have gained, in some sense, a better awareness of their own behaviours, they way they think and behave not just in performance but in everyday life.
The audience responses were very interesting too – many audience members were torn between laughter and discomfort, between wanting the performers to succeed and wanting them to fail. Let’s take, for example, Darren’s scene, and the range of responses it garnered. Some found it entertaining and funny, some found it deeply uncomfortable (the most difficult task to watch, in fact). As the performers and I discussed recently, some cheered whenever Darren caught a sweet in his mouth – but only so that he could fill his mouth completely and fail and the speech task. Many people seemed thoughtful after the show, and wanted to ask more questions and find out more about the process. All of these responses are brilliant to me – firstly, because it is just so interesting discovering how people respond to what are very emotive topics (success and failure). Secondly, because I wanted to play with these emotions by juxtaposing them – some people recalled laughing and then feeling very uncomfortable straight afterwards, wishing someone to fail then feeling very guilty for wishing that in the first place, feeling upset at someone’s failure then seeing something that suddenly renders the whole thing ridiculous, or finding the whole thing entertaining but then being struck by and suddenly realising a performer’s emotional and physical investment, or exposure, in a scene. Thirdly, I didn’t want to stamp my own opinions too much onto the piece. I wanted to create an experience that encouraged each spectator to bring their own personalities to the piece and how they viewed it, creating their own version of events, if you like.
I think I’m babbling…
I’m glad I have done this piece, and that I have done it with these performers. It has been a long, difficult, tiring, sometimes exhausting and exasperating experience. It has also been littered with failures. But I am so glad I have done it.
Monday, 15 September 2008
The Wise Words of Tim Etchells
'Investment is what happens when the performers before us seem bound up unspeakably with what they are doing - it seems to matter to them, it appears to hurt them or threatens to pleasure them, it seems to touch them, in some quite and terrible way.
Investment draws us in. Something is happening - real and therefore risked - something seems to slip across from the private world to the public one - and the performers are 'left open' or 'left exposed'.
To be bound up with what you are doing, to be at risk in it, to be exposed by it. As performers we recognise but cannot always control these moments - they happen, perhaps, in spite of us.'
We, performers of the Failure Project, need to invest. With a week to go we need to push against, stretch out and commit to our given tasks. Seek, discover, embarrass and expose. Who cares if we don't?
'Investment is the bottom line - without it nothing matters'
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Hi.
Blog post number 1 from the biggest failure in the group...having failed so far in not contributing to the blog.
Just checking to see if this works and I am promising you all that I will write something a little more in depth this evening!
Hope you are all well and looking forward to Failing.
Love H x
Blog post number 1 from the biggest failure in the group...having failed so far in not contributing to the blog.
Just checking to see if this works and I am promising you all that I will write something a little more in depth this evening!
Hope you are all well and looking forward to Failing.
Love H x
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Exposure - Questionnaire
Full Name
Amanda Castro Romasanta
Date of Birth
17th April 1985
Height
I make a point of not knowing this as it is a sore subject – but I imagine it’s 5ft 1 or 2
Weight
51 kilos – I know this because the doctor told me recently
Eye Colour
Brown
Hair colour (both real and fake if applicable)
Brown
Shoe Size
Mostly 4, sometimes a 5
Clothes Size
Mostly 8, sometimes a 10
Nationality
Spanish (both parents are from Spain, I was born in London)
Distinguishing physical features
Frizzy, curly hair, shortness, no scars but all the women in my family have a mole on the back of their neck.
What is the first album you bought?
Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette – I must have been going through my angry woman phase but I stand by my purchase!
What is your favourite film?
I can never answer this question but just for the heck of it…The Big Lebowski. To my mind, it’s perfect in every way.
What is your guilty pleasure (something you should be ashamed to like)?
This is a recent one, but during the bank holiday weekend I found myself sucked into watching more MTV than I usually would, and now I am obsessed with The Hills. I’m sorry. There is something fascinating about watching idiots live lives that don’t correspond to my experience of real life on TV.
What was the last argument you had and with whom?
It was probably with my sister – I was ordering pizza over the internet, and she asked me to order something in particular which I didn’t hear, even though I was sitting right next to her. When I got it wrong she got pissed off at me so I told her to order her own damn pizza and walked off, laptop in hand. I feel stupid even re-telling this story.
What is the song that you feel most represents you?
I've thought about this long and hard and have NO idea.
If you were on a desert Island and could have only one item what would it be?
Jefferson Toal (although I wouldn’t call refer to him as an item). I literally couldn’t get by without him.
If you were animal, which one would you be and why?
I’ve always admired cats for being independent and intelligent and beautiful and just generally being very cool and although they’re a bit too selfish for my liking I’ll go with them anyway, because they’re also very funny (especially when they fall over).
What was the last lie you told?
I lie all the time at work, so it was probably there…it wasn’t a specific lie, but this morning I did pretend to go and do something work-related when actually I was making a personal phone call. I also spent over half an hour reading over my boyfriend’s dissertation instead of working. In my defence, I make up for constantly taking breaks by working hard and being quite good at my job the rest of the time (and I’m a fast typer so I can get away with it)
What was the biggest lie you’ve told?
I never really tell major lies...I did get myself a job on the understanding I would stay for at least a year, I when actually I was secretly planning to leave after six months and go travelling. When I left, I told them I was going to make documentaries in India, and they believed me (only the first half of it was true)
I heard yesterday of a friend of a friend who pretended to be blind for two years…now THAT is a lie.
What are your 3 most positive character traits?
I think I am caring, creative and passionate.
What are your 3 most negative character traits?
Probably that I am impatient, sarcastic, and lacking in confidence.
Now get a close friend to answer questions 21 and 22.
My ‘close friend’ (i.e. Jeff) refused to answer the question properly, but eventually said:
Positive Traits: Nice, funny, and intelligent.
Negative Traits: She won’t play ‘Braid’ (a computer game), she makes me answer stupid questions, she doesn’t 'get' Lost (which I do, I just don’t think it’s that great).
What was the best day of your life?
Hmmm…I can’t really say. I don’t really think I’ve had anything good enough to label ‘the best day of my life’, wasn’t that excited when I got any of my exam results, haven’t won anything major, not married, no kids…that’s usually what people pick. I was pretty darn happy when me and Jeff got together though; that was pretty good, and it had been preceeded by a pretty wicked day hanging out with him and one of my best friends Sahil on the Sussex Downs.
What was the worst day of your life?
The day my grandmother died. She had been taken to hospital about a week earlier suffering from pneumonia – the doctors had expected her to make a full recovery but one night she suddenly took a massive turn for the worse and there was nothing they could do for her. The whole family came to the hospital, sat in her intensive care room, and watched her die. I remember obsessively staring at the screen that showed her heartbeat and breathing, waiting for something to happen. My grandfather’s death would also be up there except that when my grandmother died, I was already pretty depressed due to other problems in my family and general stress at school.
Tell me a secret.
I won't ever allow different foods to touch on my plate.
What character traits do you admire in others?
Bravery, kindness and humour.
What character traits do you despise in others?
Rudeness, being inconsiderate of others, and cowardice
What is the most pain you have ever been in?
When I was about 5 years old, my mum was in the kitchen ironing. I was in the kitchen too and for some inexplicable reason decided it would be a good idea to touch the hot side of the iron, which I did, with my entire hand. Thankfully I don’t remember the pain, only the screaming and shouting and being picked up, and then later showing off my bandaged hand to everyone in sight.
What has been the biggest failure in your life?
As I’ve said before I honestly don’t feel like I have encountered any massive failure. I do wish though, that I wasn’t one of those people that is terrible at most physical stuff. I can dance (in a club), I can do a forward roll, and swim enough to not drown, and that’s it. I feel like people get kudos for being naturally good at this stuff and it’s something that I’ve never been able to access, even when I try practising.
What has been the biggest success in your life?
I take great pride in the fact that I funded my travelling and my entire MA completely by myself, without help from my parents. If I’m honest, I have a slight chip on my shoulder about it. It’s very important to me to have that level of independence (although I do still live at home which I don’t particularly want to do).
What was your biggest failure on stage?
When my boob fell out of my top in the middle of a show (which, incidentally, was a absurdist version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream)…I want to curl up and die when I think about it, I truly do.
Name a physical action you have never been able to do.
Cartwheel, amongst many other things.
What scares you the most?
I would really, REALLY hate to die by drowning, I don’t know why but to me it would be a terrifying way to die. I’m even more terrified of getting Alzheimer’s – my grand father had it and it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world to see him deteriorate day by day. When you have it you become a different person – you not only lose your mental faculties like memory, but your personality, the essence of your being. To me, Alzheimer’s killed him way before he actually, physically died.
What excites you the most?
Performing and performance can give me a real buzz that is unlike anything else. I also like rollercoasters.
When was the last time you cried?
I think it was when I saw a really graphic picture of someone dead on the internet – it was a girl who had died in the middle of an exorcism. I am usually quite mentally strong when it comes to stuff like this, but it was unexpected and a very, very horrible picture. Not in the sense that it was bloody and gory or anything – she just looked terrifying.
What is your biggest regret?
Not being there for Jefferson when he was going through a really tough time (I was travelling).
What makes you laugh?
Lots of things…I have a sense of humour that can be very dark, but I love very silly things too. One thing that has been making me laugh non-stop at the moment is this You Tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLGfbL9Cfxc
What is your most burning desire in life?
To make a good career out of my passion for performance (never gonna happen, is it?)
Fill in the gap:
SIAC!
Amanda Castro Romasanta
Date of Birth
17th April 1985
Height
I make a point of not knowing this as it is a sore subject – but I imagine it’s 5ft 1 or 2
Weight
51 kilos – I know this because the doctor told me recently
Eye Colour
Brown
Hair colour (both real and fake if applicable)
Brown
Shoe Size
Mostly 4, sometimes a 5
Clothes Size
Mostly 8, sometimes a 10
Nationality
Spanish (both parents are from Spain, I was born in London)
Distinguishing physical features
Frizzy, curly hair, shortness, no scars but all the women in my family have a mole on the back of their neck.
What is the first album you bought?
Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette – I must have been going through my angry woman phase but I stand by my purchase!
What is your favourite film?
I can never answer this question but just for the heck of it…The Big Lebowski. To my mind, it’s perfect in every way.
What is your guilty pleasure (something you should be ashamed to like)?
This is a recent one, but during the bank holiday weekend I found myself sucked into watching more MTV than I usually would, and now I am obsessed with The Hills. I’m sorry. There is something fascinating about watching idiots live lives that don’t correspond to my experience of real life on TV.
What was the last argument you had and with whom?
It was probably with my sister – I was ordering pizza over the internet, and she asked me to order something in particular which I didn’t hear, even though I was sitting right next to her. When I got it wrong she got pissed off at me so I told her to order her own damn pizza and walked off, laptop in hand. I feel stupid even re-telling this story.
What is the song that you feel most represents you?
I've thought about this long and hard and have NO idea.
If you were on a desert Island and could have only one item what would it be?
Jefferson Toal (although I wouldn’t call refer to him as an item). I literally couldn’t get by without him.
If you were animal, which one would you be and why?
I’ve always admired cats for being independent and intelligent and beautiful and just generally being very cool and although they’re a bit too selfish for my liking I’ll go with them anyway, because they’re also very funny (especially when they fall over).
What was the last lie you told?
I lie all the time at work, so it was probably there…it wasn’t a specific lie, but this morning I did pretend to go and do something work-related when actually I was making a personal phone call. I also spent over half an hour reading over my boyfriend’s dissertation instead of working. In my defence, I make up for constantly taking breaks by working hard and being quite good at my job the rest of the time (and I’m a fast typer so I can get away with it)
What was the biggest lie you’ve told?
I never really tell major lies...I did get myself a job on the understanding I would stay for at least a year, I when actually I was secretly planning to leave after six months and go travelling. When I left, I told them I was going to make documentaries in India, and they believed me (only the first half of it was true)
I heard yesterday of a friend of a friend who pretended to be blind for two years…now THAT is a lie.
What are your 3 most positive character traits?
I think I am caring, creative and passionate.
What are your 3 most negative character traits?
Probably that I am impatient, sarcastic, and lacking in confidence.
Now get a close friend to answer questions 21 and 22.
My ‘close friend’ (i.e. Jeff) refused to answer the question properly, but eventually said:
Positive Traits: Nice, funny, and intelligent.
Negative Traits: She won’t play ‘Braid’ (a computer game), she makes me answer stupid questions, she doesn’t 'get' Lost (which I do, I just don’t think it’s that great).
What was the best day of your life?
Hmmm…I can’t really say. I don’t really think I’ve had anything good enough to label ‘the best day of my life’, wasn’t that excited when I got any of my exam results, haven’t won anything major, not married, no kids…that’s usually what people pick. I was pretty darn happy when me and Jeff got together though; that was pretty good, and it had been preceeded by a pretty wicked day hanging out with him and one of my best friends Sahil on the Sussex Downs.
What was the worst day of your life?
The day my grandmother died. She had been taken to hospital about a week earlier suffering from pneumonia – the doctors had expected her to make a full recovery but one night she suddenly took a massive turn for the worse and there was nothing they could do for her. The whole family came to the hospital, sat in her intensive care room, and watched her die. I remember obsessively staring at the screen that showed her heartbeat and breathing, waiting for something to happen. My grandfather’s death would also be up there except that when my grandmother died, I was already pretty depressed due to other problems in my family and general stress at school.
Tell me a secret.
I won't ever allow different foods to touch on my plate.
What character traits do you admire in others?
Bravery, kindness and humour.
What character traits do you despise in others?
Rudeness, being inconsiderate of others, and cowardice
What is the most pain you have ever been in?
When I was about 5 years old, my mum was in the kitchen ironing. I was in the kitchen too and for some inexplicable reason decided it would be a good idea to touch the hot side of the iron, which I did, with my entire hand. Thankfully I don’t remember the pain, only the screaming and shouting and being picked up, and then later showing off my bandaged hand to everyone in sight.
What has been the biggest failure in your life?
As I’ve said before I honestly don’t feel like I have encountered any massive failure. I do wish though, that I wasn’t one of those people that is terrible at most physical stuff. I can dance (in a club), I can do a forward roll, and swim enough to not drown, and that’s it. I feel like people get kudos for being naturally good at this stuff and it’s something that I’ve never been able to access, even when I try practising.
What has been the biggest success in your life?
I take great pride in the fact that I funded my travelling and my entire MA completely by myself, without help from my parents. If I’m honest, I have a slight chip on my shoulder about it. It’s very important to me to have that level of independence (although I do still live at home which I don’t particularly want to do).
What was your biggest failure on stage?
When my boob fell out of my top in the middle of a show (which, incidentally, was a absurdist version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream)…I want to curl up and die when I think about it, I truly do.
Name a physical action you have never been able to do.
Cartwheel, amongst many other things.
What scares you the most?
I would really, REALLY hate to die by drowning, I don’t know why but to me it would be a terrifying way to die. I’m even more terrified of getting Alzheimer’s – my grand father had it and it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world to see him deteriorate day by day. When you have it you become a different person – you not only lose your mental faculties like memory, but your personality, the essence of your being. To me, Alzheimer’s killed him way before he actually, physically died.
What excites you the most?
Performing and performance can give me a real buzz that is unlike anything else. I also like rollercoasters.
When was the last time you cried?
I think it was when I saw a really graphic picture of someone dead on the internet – it was a girl who had died in the middle of an exorcism. I am usually quite mentally strong when it comes to stuff like this, but it was unexpected and a very, very horrible picture. Not in the sense that it was bloody and gory or anything – she just looked terrifying.
What is your biggest regret?
Not being there for Jefferson when he was going through a really tough time (I was travelling).
What makes you laugh?
Lots of things…I have a sense of humour that can be very dark, but I love very silly things too. One thing that has been making me laugh non-stop at the moment is this You Tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLGfbL9Cfxc
What is your most burning desire in life?
To make a good career out of my passion for performance (never gonna happen, is it?)
Fill in the gap:
SIAC!
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Exposure
I had been planning to write a post on the blog about the difficulties of the facilitator/director's role in a piece like this. During rehearsals I have always feel a complex mixture of emotions - an envy where I wish that I could be doing the tasks too, a (some would say machiavellian) desire to set the performers even more difficult, arduous and mean tasks, and a guilt at setting these tasks and then just sitting back and watching, unable to fully take part. These last two emotions have been the most difficult to negotiate - how can I balance them both? How can I push my performers but do so in a healthy, happy, accepting atmosphere? I feel like I had already been making progress (our blindfolding exercises, for example, get better, more engaging and adventurous every time we do it) but realistically we just don't have the time to develop each task in the same way.
I had conveyed these emotions to a colleague, Jessica Hartley, who is at the moment writing a PHD thesis on risk, fear, exposure and failure in performance and pedagogy. She agreed to come to a rehearsal and, in her words, 'poke' us, with games and exercises based on physical and emotional exposure.
It was a fascinating experience.
As a group we were hesitant, we held back, and were overly polite and nice to each other - we obviously still have some way to go in terms of truly exposing ourselves as performers and people. However, what pleased me the most - apart from what I learnt about my performers, how they work, what they are like, and how they interact with each other through watching them during these games, was their positivity and commitment to the project in future rehearsals, to pushing themselves, and allowing themselves to be pushed.
I came to the rehearsal looking for validation, for the green light to be the facilitator/director that I want to be, and happily, I found it. Future rehearsals may have a completely different feel to them now...
I had conveyed these emotions to a colleague, Jessica Hartley, who is at the moment writing a PHD thesis on risk, fear, exposure and failure in performance and pedagogy. She agreed to come to a rehearsal and, in her words, 'poke' us, with games and exercises based on physical and emotional exposure.
It was a fascinating experience.
As a group we were hesitant, we held back, and were overly polite and nice to each other - we obviously still have some way to go in terms of truly exposing ourselves as performers and people. However, what pleased me the most - apart from what I learnt about my performers, how they work, what they are like, and how they interact with each other through watching them during these games, was their positivity and commitment to the project in future rehearsals, to pushing themselves, and allowing themselves to be pushed.
I came to the rehearsal looking for validation, for the green light to be the facilitator/director that I want to be, and happily, I found it. Future rehearsals may have a completely different feel to them now...
Monday, 18 August 2008
I am in the present and only the present matters to me.
As I continue my research for my portfolio I have observed the existing argument between imagination and presence. Actor training still currently relies on Stanislavski's system. Actors are encouraged to use their imagination to 'transform' themselves into a character, and the emphasis is placed heavily on the individual. It is interesting then to look at eastern styles of training, such as Suzuki, whose aim is to train the actor to be present at all times, constantly ready to accept and react to the unexpected. The emphasis is on the ensemble working together, and in order to do so, the actor can not escape or drift into his or her own imagination.
Today Darren and I participated in what has been labeled as 'the blind fold exercise'. Throughout Darren was really taunting me, tapping me in different places, lifting and spinning me, and overall, completely disorienting me. By the end I was truly exhausted, primarily physically, but my emotions had begun to creep in as well. Feeling abused and fatigued I felt on the verge of tears. Naturally I do not know what the experience was of watching this performance. However, I imagine this real human experience was theatrically interesting. Some would say this was not acting; however, I would argue that 'acting' is a subjective term. We naturally begin to portray a performative self when placed in front of others or a camera in this case. Furthermore, as the exercise progressed stories start to creep in. I imagined I was a prisoner of war at one point, then it seemed as though we were lovers fighting. See? It is impossible NOT to involve the imagination. But it is my belief that the answer to creating exciting theatre is through liveness (being present and allowing anything to happen), whether that is through true physical pain, exhaustion, or failure.
Today Darren and I participated in what has been labeled as 'the blind fold exercise'. Throughout Darren was really taunting me, tapping me in different places, lifting and spinning me, and overall, completely disorienting me. By the end I was truly exhausted, primarily physically, but my emotions had begun to creep in as well. Feeling abused and fatigued I felt on the verge of tears. Naturally I do not know what the experience was of watching this performance. However, I imagine this real human experience was theatrically interesting. Some would say this was not acting; however, I would argue that 'acting' is a subjective term. We naturally begin to portray a performative self when placed in front of others or a camera in this case. Furthermore, as the exercise progressed stories start to creep in. I imagined I was a prisoner of war at one point, then it seemed as though we were lovers fighting. See? It is impossible NOT to involve the imagination. But it is my belief that the answer to creating exciting theatre is through liveness (being present and allowing anything to happen), whether that is through true physical pain, exhaustion, or failure.
Saturday, 16 August 2008
www.uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2sZbrclbwTs
www.uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2sZbrclbwTs
Just tried the other link and it didn't work maybe this one will?
www.uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2sZbrclbwTs
www.uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2sZbrclbwTs
Just tried the other link and it didn't work maybe this one will?
Failure.
Well Fridays rehearsal was interesting. I left with a feeling of failure and by what, a recorded series of bleeps. I felt a genuine sense of failure at not completing that bleep test so much so that I really want to do it again with some shoes on just to prove to myself that I can do it.
Anyway heres a link thats quite funny and involves both restriction and failure. Enjoy.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Bringing the Performer's Own Identity into the Room
My own research has focused on the use of the performer's identity in the devising process and in performance. I am interested in how the performer's own opinions and natural reactions can influence the process. As an experiment I asked everyone to participate in an exercise we had done previously (The White Moment). This time; however, they were not allowed to make up a random, fantastical topic. Instead, they were asked to give a presentation on an issue they truly care about (for instance, I spoke about my inability as an American to get a job in this country). In previous attempts at this exercise no one truly reached a 'white moment', the moment at which the individual realizes he/she is standing in front of an audience and has just exposed their self by ranting to such an extreme that he/she has lost all sense of time and place. To achieve this the individual must let go of any inner constraints and allow themselves to be completely uninhibited. Perhaps this is why everyone was even more reserved when speaking as their self. The absurd topics that were generated served as a sort of mask. Everyone seemed astonished by themselves when they finished, often saying "I swear I don't know where that came from; I don't know why I said those things." When forced to speak on a real-life issue there was no mask to hide behind, and each individual subsequently became more self-conscious. No one built to a climax. Instead, each time someone got a bit worked up, he/she would quickly back down; perhaps fearing that the others would judge him/her as bad-tempered? It would be interesting to see how we perform this same exercise under the guise of a mask or a costume. I am finding this to be a key element in accessing deeper aspects of the performer's true self.
Still, Silent, Exposed
The "Stomp" in Tadashi Suzuki's training is a physical reminder for the performer to be in touch with their body, their mind, and their environment. Each stomp forces the performer to be present; the foot pounding the earth is the constant reminder "I am here now... now... now".
Having trained in such physical forms, I am capable of engaging with my body and mind to be present in each moment when physically active. However, being still with nothing to do terrifies me. I struggle to engage moment by moment and fear that every member of the audience can see my excruciating discomfort. As for my presence, it becomes either bad/negative or non existent.
I began to wonder; how then is it possible to achieve presence when there is no physical reminder? How can a performer be and remain present with the performer is still, quiet and unmoving? And how can I challenge my fear of being immobile and silent on stage?
Ariane Mnouchkine observes 'that presence increases with the capacity of the actor to be naked'.
As such I became the Exposed Body; to magnify my weaknesses, to challenge my comforts, to be naked and exposed to what ever is happening and who ever is watching, to discover how, where and if it is possible to be present when my task is to do nothing.
Having trained in such physical forms, I am capable of engaging with my body and mind to be present in each moment when physically active. However, being still with nothing to do terrifies me. I struggle to engage moment by moment and fear that every member of the audience can see my excruciating discomfort. As for my presence, it becomes either bad/negative or non existent.
I began to wonder; how then is it possible to achieve presence when there is no physical reminder? How can a performer be and remain present with the performer is still, quiet and unmoving? And how can I challenge my fear of being immobile and silent on stage?
Ariane Mnouchkine observes 'that presence increases with the capacity of the actor to be naked'.
As such I became the Exposed Body; to magnify my weaknesses, to challenge my comforts, to be naked and exposed to what ever is happening and who ever is watching, to discover how, where and if it is possible to be present when my task is to do nothing.
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
An Introduction to Speed Reading (Version Two)
I think Google is having some problems with its videos these days, so I don't know why I'm even bothering to upload this, but here it is anyway: version two of 'An Introduction to Speed Reading', this time with the text included.
Monday, 11 August 2008
Word Cloud
I came across a cool little website on the internet that takes blogs and turns them into 'word clouds', in which the most used words are displayed largest. Take a look at the word cloud generated from this blog:
What word is notable by its absence?
FAILURE.
I cant even find where 'failure' is, though I'm sure it must make an appearance somewhere. I started wondering what this meant and realised I was relieved to see that it wasn't the main feature there.
To be continuing to center on 'failure' as the sole focus of my work would to me mean I wasn't doing it right, that I wasn't developing my ideas and taking them depper, further. It's becoming about more than failure, now - through the frame of failure in the performing body I am looking at other things, asking other questions, making other discoveries.
This isn't failure for the sake of failure (can that technically even exist?) - it is there in order to uncover profound questions about performance, about the way performers and people deal with their bodies and with others, about presence, about liveness and the moment in performance, about honesty and spontanetity in performance, what they mean, and why they are important.
So, what words feature most prominently? 'Performers', followed by 'body' and 'moments'...hooray!
I think I'll keep making word clouds throughout the process, as a visual aid to my explorations and how they are progressing.
What word is notable by its absence?
FAILURE.
I cant even find where 'failure' is, though I'm sure it must make an appearance somewhere. I started wondering what this meant and realised I was relieved to see that it wasn't the main feature there.
To be continuing to center on 'failure' as the sole focus of my work would to me mean I wasn't doing it right, that I wasn't developing my ideas and taking them depper, further. It's becoming about more than failure, now - through the frame of failure in the performing body I am looking at other things, asking other questions, making other discoveries.
This isn't failure for the sake of failure (can that technically even exist?) - it is there in order to uncover profound questions about performance, about the way performers and people deal with their bodies and with others, about presence, about liveness and the moment in performance, about honesty and spontanetity in performance, what they mean, and why they are important.
So, what words feature most prominently? 'Performers', followed by 'body' and 'moments'...hooray!
I think I'll keep making word clouds throughout the process, as a visual aid to my explorations and how they are progressing.
Sunday, 10 August 2008
This is where it all happens...
So now we have our four performers, they have all met each other (although we have yet to see everyone in the same room together), and we’ve started some, perhaps tentative, tasks.
I have defined each performer’s ‘thing’:
Sarah Jane: the exposed body.
Hayley: the enduring body.
Mandy: the displaced body.
Darren: the restricted body.
Now is the time to start pushing it.
To start pushing the performers, their limits, their bodies, their emotions, their everything, to run the risk that they will hate me by the end of this process but do it anyway because hopefully we can create something great.
I have defined each performer’s ‘thing’:
Sarah Jane: the exposed body.
Hayley: the enduring body.
Mandy: the displaced body.
Darren: the restricted body.
Now is the time to start pushing it.
To start pushing the performers, their limits, their bodies, their emotions, their everything, to run the risk that they will hate me by the end of this process but do it anyway because hopefully we can create something great.
Saturday, 9 August 2008
An Introduction to Speed Reading.
What’s the difference between an homage and a plain old rip-off? I’m not sure I know.
I’ve been deliberating over text within the piece – will there be text at all? If so, where will it come from, how will it be generated, and how will it be incorporated within the piece?
Jane Munro set me the challenge of finding a text which I could potentially use in the Failure Project – this may not be it, but it’s a damn fine text to start with. I took Chris Goode’s ‘An Introduction to Speed Reading’ and set my performers the task of, yes, speed-reading it. I’ve been meaning to set a task based on speech, sound and the movements of the mouth so this seemed perfect.
I’ve edited the results here in my ‘homage’ to both Chris Goode and Beckett’s ‘Not I’ (which I will try to find a video for to add here). Follow this link to read about various productions of ‘Not I’, and the difficulties the actresses who performed in it faced – for some, it became a terrifying but illuminating experience: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_I
I’ve been deliberating over text within the piece – will there be text at all? If so, where will it come from, how will it be generated, and how will it be incorporated within the piece?
Jane Munro set me the challenge of finding a text which I could potentially use in the Failure Project – this may not be it, but it’s a damn fine text to start with. I took Chris Goode’s ‘An Introduction to Speed Reading’ and set my performers the task of, yes, speed-reading it. I’ve been meaning to set a task based on speech, sound and the movements of the mouth so this seemed perfect.
I’ve edited the results here in my ‘homage’ to both Chris Goode and Beckett’s ‘Not I’ (which I will try to find a video for to add here). Follow this link to read about various productions of ‘Not I’, and the difficulties the actresses who performed in it faced – for some, it became a terrifying but illuminating experience: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_I
Thursday, 7 August 2008
Can 4 solo performances co-exist on stage???
This was the question that has been plaguing me recently. I didn’t know how to bring each performer’s experience together on stage without it becoming jarring and messy to the spectator.
I used to think I would solve this problem with staging; just mess about with the staging in some way so that each performer is in their self-contained space, never interacting with the other performers. I came up with a million complicated staging ideas with this in mind.
This is now a terrible idea to me!
Each performer will follow their own unique journey, but bridges and cross-overs between have already become apparent and should be recognised and built upon. What I as director need to do now is create a structure to the piece from which the performers can improvise on the night – integrating and juxtaposing those moments of solitude with those including the other performers, moments of tension with moments of release, moments of connectedness with fragmentary moments, playing with the dynamics, shapes and tensions of the action etc. etc…to make something (hopefully) beautiful which the performers can play with and within.
This was the question that has been plaguing me recently. I didn’t know how to bring each performer’s experience together on stage without it becoming jarring and messy to the spectator.
I used to think I would solve this problem with staging; just mess about with the staging in some way so that each performer is in their self-contained space, never interacting with the other performers. I came up with a million complicated staging ideas with this in mind.
This is now a terrible idea to me!
Each performer will follow their own unique journey, but bridges and cross-overs between have already become apparent and should be recognised and built upon. What I as director need to do now is create a structure to the piece from which the performers can improvise on the night – integrating and juxtaposing those moments of solitude with those including the other performers, moments of tension with moments of release, moments of connectedness with fragmentary moments, playing with the dynamics, shapes and tensions of the action etc. etc…to make something (hopefully) beautiful which the performers can play with and within.
Friday, 1 August 2008
Yes? No!
Sometimes the simplest-seeming tasks can be the most impossible.
Have you ever played the yes-no game? We did it all the time in my school.
There used to be a gameshow on TV called Take Your Pick, hosted by Des O’Connor. In order to get through to the next round, contestants had to pass the yes-no game, in which they were asked a series of questions to which they were NOT allowed to answer with “yes” or “no”. It seems pretty simple, right? Our performers certainly thought so…I had a few confused looks from them when I suggested it as the very first exercise in our process.
It is actually incredibly tough - as they all found out - simply because it involves suppressing an action which, although small, is extremely instinctual. “Yes” and “no” are the sorts of words that can roll off the tongue without you even knowing you’ve said them, so often are they used in everyday life. The game is about the elimination of habitual and almost natural-seeming actions – replacing a normal response (“yes”) with one which, in the context of the question, seems completely unnatural (“I DO have Turkey at Christmas!”).
It’s an ideal game for the Failure Project…in the film below, we see our performers struggle as they fight off impending failure, and react as they, inevitably, fail. Notice their body language – often tense, on edge – and their emotional responses – laughter, anger, frustration, and often, disbelief.
Have you ever played the yes-no game? We did it all the time in my school.
There used to be a gameshow on TV called Take Your Pick, hosted by Des O’Connor. In order to get through to the next round, contestants had to pass the yes-no game, in which they were asked a series of questions to which they were NOT allowed to answer with “yes” or “no”. It seems pretty simple, right? Our performers certainly thought so…I had a few confused looks from them when I suggested it as the very first exercise in our process.
It is actually incredibly tough - as they all found out - simply because it involves suppressing an action which, although small, is extremely instinctual. “Yes” and “no” are the sorts of words that can roll off the tongue without you even knowing you’ve said them, so often are they used in everyday life. The game is about the elimination of habitual and almost natural-seeming actions – replacing a normal response (“yes”) with one which, in the context of the question, seems completely unnatural (“I DO have Turkey at Christmas!”).
It’s an ideal game for the Failure Project…in the film below, we see our performers struggle as they fight off impending failure, and react as they, inevitably, fail. Notice their body language – often tense, on edge – and their emotional responses – laughter, anger, frustration, and often, disbelief.
Monday, 21 July 2008
The Failure Project: Brie Sandwiches
This is the scene that inspired me when setting myself the grapefruit-eating task.
In the special features on the Twin Peaks DVD, the actors speak about their reluctance to go as far as David Lynch wanted, and their fear of looking stupid, and I think this comes across in the scene - in my opinion, they could have taken it a lot further. So how does a performer let go of this fear, and how can a director encourage this fearlessness? I hope to find out.
In the special features on the Twin Peaks DVD, the actors speak about their reluctance to go as far as David Lynch wanted, and their fear of looking stupid, and I think this comes across in the scene - in my opinion, they could have taken it a lot further. So how does a performer let go of this fear, and how can a director encourage this fearlessness? I hope to find out.
Archiving Practice: The Film
Here is the video my colleague Brody made of my experiments during the Archiving Practice Workshops with Chris Clow.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Responses to Failure: playing the blame game
Another 'psychic' - James Hydrick, who claimed he could move objects with his mind, being debunked on live TV by the sceptic James Randi, who has asked Hydrick to perform his 'gift' under controlled conditions designed to prevent cheating.
Pay special attention to James' face at around 11 minutes 55 seconds. He is approaching his imminent failure, and he knows it - what do you think is going through his mind at this moment?
Pay special attention to James' face at around 11 minutes 55 seconds. He is approaching his imminent failure, and he knows it - what do you think is going through his mind at this moment?
Monday, 14 July 2008
Responses to Failure: denial
Sylvia Browne is a famous "psychic" and medium. She appears regularly on American TV, has published a number of books, hosts her own radio show on paranormal issues and gives psychic readings. She is a controversial figure and critics argue that she is a fraud, using 'cold reading' in order to give the ilusion of psychic ability.
This is a short video showing two of her more notorious failures in her premonitions whilst appearing on the Montel Williams show (excuse the weird comedy music and text the makers have added to the video):
I suppose one way of dealing with failure is to pretend the failure never occured...
This is a short video showing two of her more notorious failures in her premonitions whilst appearing on the Montel Williams show (excuse the weird comedy music and text the makers have added to the video):
I suppose one way of dealing with failure is to pretend the failure never occured...
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
The ******* Project
So…I’ve been thinking a lot about Failure at the moment (what else?!) Particularly, the word Failure. I’m starting to question my use of this word in reference to this project. When in doubt, I turn to the dictionary:
fail·ure
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
5. a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
6. a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank.
7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.
When looking at these definitions, I can see links between them and my own ideas, which feature various failures that can take place in the performing body (particularly in definitions 1-4). They are broad enough for failure to be what the subject makes of it. However, when thinking about the various responses to my project, perhaps the definition of failure is still an issue in my work. Perhaps it is too negative a word to use – when I use it, some people immediately prescribe value judgements to it, assuming that I am talking about ‘good’ or ’bad’ performance and ‘good’ or ‘bad’ performers. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The Failure Project is NOT a negative one, it is not about telling performers there is something wrong with, that they are rubbish, it is not about judging the value of things. It is about honesty – being honest about one’s own physical limits, quirks and foibles, confronting them, and then utilising them in performance. I’m reminded of Jon Davison’s clown workshop, in which the performers were encouraged to confront the emotions they were really feeling, in the moment of performing, particularly if their improvisations were ‘failing’ (i.e. not funny), and to use these emotions in their performances. It was in recognising, confronting, and utilising this ‘truth’ that their scenes and improvisations came alive.
Maybe the whole enterprise should be renamed ‘The Honesty Project’?
fail·ure
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
5. a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
6. a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank.
7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.
When looking at these definitions, I can see links between them and my own ideas, which feature various failures that can take place in the performing body (particularly in definitions 1-4). They are broad enough for failure to be what the subject makes of it. However, when thinking about the various responses to my project, perhaps the definition of failure is still an issue in my work. Perhaps it is too negative a word to use – when I use it, some people immediately prescribe value judgements to it, assuming that I am talking about ‘good’ or ’bad’ performance and ‘good’ or ‘bad’ performers. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The Failure Project is NOT a negative one, it is not about telling performers there is something wrong with, that they are rubbish, it is not about judging the value of things. It is about honesty – being honest about one’s own physical limits, quirks and foibles, confronting them, and then utilising them in performance. I’m reminded of Jon Davison’s clown workshop, in which the performers were encouraged to confront the emotions they were really feeling, in the moment of performing, particularly if their improvisations were ‘failing’ (i.e. not funny), and to use these emotions in their performances. It was in recognising, confronting, and utilising this ‘truth’ that their scenes and improvisations came alive.
Maybe the whole enterprise should be renamed ‘The Honesty Project’?
Monday, 7 July 2008
A Stage of Transition...Part Two
And so, with these considerations in mind (among others), I took part in the Archiving Practice Workshop led by Chris Clow. I had no idea what these workshops would entail, and was completely unprepared when I turned up on the Tuesday, to be told I would need to have some practice ready to show and to be filmed the next day! This year I'm having to get used to working in ways which don't seem natural to me - it felt strange prescribing everything I was going to do and explore next term in my Research Proposal - I would usually let my process develop more organically - and it felt strange here, rushing into practice when I didn't feel ready to. Sometimes, though, using different working methods can bring illuminating results, and it did here with the Archiving Workshops.
On Wednesday I spent most of my 'practice time' explaining to Chris my interests - I then followed this with a silly exercise between me, Elpida and Hayley, almost like a version of Follow The Leader, where Hayley and I had to follow Elpida through a series of difficult dance moves (at which I was embarrasingly terrible). It was all thought up on the spot - I hadn't given any consideration beforehand to it - and as a result it wasn't very engaging or illuminating.
I knew I had to have something more interesting and engaging the next day, and one which had more relevance to my project. I decided to set myself a task, in the same way I planned to set my performers tasks in the process leading up to my Festival piece - a task which was relevant and unique to me.
I arrived the next day with a text I was going to read to my audience (admitedly, the only part of the task I did not put too much thought into - originally, the content of text itself wasn't important, I just needed it to have something to read, but of course, every text brings it's own added meaning to the situation, which I realised quickly). The text was 'Molloy' by Samuel Beckett, which I was currently reading in my spare time. I brought with me a Grapefruit and a knife. I slowly ate the entire Grapefruit, cramming as much of it into my mouth as I could, whilst reading my text.
There were a few questions I wanted to address with this task?
On Wednesday I spent most of my 'practice time' explaining to Chris my interests - I then followed this with a silly exercise between me, Elpida and Hayley, almost like a version of Follow The Leader, where Hayley and I had to follow Elpida through a series of difficult dance moves (at which I was embarrasingly terrible). It was all thought up on the spot - I hadn't given any consideration beforehand to it - and as a result it wasn't very engaging or illuminating.
I knew I had to have something more interesting and engaging the next day, and one which had more relevance to my project. I decided to set myself a task, in the same way I planned to set my performers tasks in the process leading up to my Festival piece - a task which was relevant and unique to me.
I arrived the next day with a text I was going to read to my audience (admitedly, the only part of the task I did not put too much thought into - originally, the content of text itself wasn't important, I just needed it to have something to read, but of course, every text brings it's own added meaning to the situation, which I realised quickly). The text was 'Molloy' by Samuel Beckett, which I was currently reading in my spare time. I brought with me a Grapefruit and a knife. I slowly ate the entire Grapefruit, cramming as much of it into my mouth as I could, whilst reading my text.
There were a few questions I wanted to address with this task?
- Could I manage both tasks together (to eat and to read) and could I succeed at both of them?
- I hate grapefruit - how would I deal with eating an entire one? What issues does it bring up in terms of the body, disgust, and violation?
I didn't know how the task would go - to my surprise, it became in engaging, fascinating, difficult, even distressing moment. The spectators who witnessed it (Chris and Elpida) told me how they couldn't take their eyes away from the scene, how they were moved from laughter to ............., how it was difficult and uncomfortable to watch me in obvious discomfort but how at the same time they willed me to continue and finish. There were also issues of voyeurism at play - I was locked in my own private world during the task, never once acknowledging my 'audience', and at times they wondered if they should be watching me at all.
As the 'performer' in the task it was a strnagely intense experience - extremely physcial and psychological, constantly battling opposing emotions; one willing me to stop before I was sick, the other willing me to continue to the end, the other telling me not to think about any of it, just read the text and eat the fruit.
The next day I recreated the task with another food and another text, but it had lost it's 'magic' from the previous day. We all knew what we were in for this time, and the change in text (this time I chose a deliberately light-hearted one, in response to a request from Chris) and food (celery - les messy than Grapefruit) didn't add anything interesting.
But I think I'm onto something here. I can't quite quite theorise or explain it right now - for the moment, it only exists in the moment, in practice- but I'm excited.
A Stage of Transition
Once again, it has been ages since my last post...if I fail at anything it'll be this blog, that's for sure. Since our performances at CGP, it's been a period of reflection and analysis, culminating in a Lecture-Presentation we gave a couple of weeks ago and a Research Proposal we handed in last week for the summer term. All of which has served as a bridge between CGP and the start (or continuation) or our process for the Festival in September.
So what has arisen from this process? It would be too long (and possibly too boring) to go into it in massive detail, so let's have it in bullet points:
My work this year has been:
So what has arisen from this process? It would be too long (and possibly too boring) to go into it in massive detail, so let's have it in bullet points:
My work this year has been:
- Self-reflexive
- Concerned with manifestations of authority in art (or the institution, of the performer, etc.) and what happens when these authorities are questionned or played with
- Task-based and improvisational
Where I need to take my investigations into Failure:
- Needs narrowing down - too broad, even if it is just focused on the performing body
- Needs awareness of the thin line between failure and success - how are these concepts judges, at what point does one become the other, and where do my investigations stand in relation to this?
- How can I bring in considerations of the audience into my investigations?
...and more...
Friday, 6 June 2008
More clowns, less failure?
It's been longer than I intended since my last post...I'm not very good at this bloggin malarkey, am I? Well, since then, lots and lots (and lots) of things have happened - most notably, our performances at the Centre George Pompidou on 29th May.
Yes. It finally happened. After months of preparation, countless revisions, rehearsals, tearing out of hair and minor mental breakdowns, fires in train stations, national strikes, postponements and possible cancellations, it actually happened.
The extra time that we have had to devote to the CGP Project has had one unfortunate consequence, which is that we have mostly had to ignore, or perhaps even for some people, abandon entirely, our personal projects for the Developing Your Disciplines Project (hence the terrible lack of posts on this blog). So where does that leave the Failure Project now? Well, it will play a part in the Viva Voce I have to prepare and present as assessment for this course, albeit in a slightly different way and less visible form than I had first imagined. The main task now is to look at it in the context of the work I have done at the Pompidou Centre, discovering, interpreting and analysing the links and divergences between them. Hopefully, I will be able to devote more time to this Project in the summer.
Anyway...another day, another clown workshop, this time by Jon Davison, and a very different atmosphere and direction to the workshops I observed from John Wright. I sensed a shift in focus in the act of clowning, which semms to lead to a shift in the performer-audience dynamic.
Jon Davison placed great emphasis on honesty of emotion in performance: about each performer being honest about the emotions they were experiencing at that very moment, in real life, as it were, which would then be used in the performance. For example, when an exercise performed by two of the participants in the workshop seemed to be failing, with the scene becoming uninspired and boring, Jon encouraged the performers to use the real feelings of frustration and discomfort that they were experiencing when continuing with the scene. As a result, the scene almost immediately picked up, becoming more interesting, more engaging, and more funny. As Jon himself said at the time "when you don't like where you are...that's a good place to stay". It was all about committing yourself as a performer to the emotion present, whatever it may be, whether positive or negative, whether reasonable or completely weird, without fighting it or trying to change it or lie about it. In this way, the clown character was more of an extension of their real selves and personalities, rather than an outside character added on quite artificially (as I sometimes sensed in the John Wright workshop).
Because of this, I feel the focus of this workshop was more performer-centered, rather than the more heavily audience-centered workshop from John Wright. I felt that during the exercises, the performers were encouraged to focus primarily on what was NOW - what they knew to be present at that very moment, i.e. their own emotions, rather than what they anticipated in the audience later (such as laughter).
Now, in all honestly, the performances and improvisations in the Jon Davison were a lot less funny than the John Wright workshop, and so if you were to judge clowning on terms of its comedic value and of how funny it actually is, John Wright wins (although it may just be that the performers in his workshops were funnier, rather than the method having an influence on how funny it was). However, I found Jon Davison's methods to be more interesting in relation to my own practice, and particularly, the links I feel are present with my interests in the Failure Project. I found his focus on the use of the performer's real experiences in the moment to generate material for performance pertinent to my own ideas of the Failure Project, in which I have asked:
"Failure can often point to the individuality and uniqueness of the performer (each person has their own unique physical limits and traits) – could a performance be created that fully utilises these aspects? In what ways can a performer make him/herself visible when performing and what does this add to or detract from a performance?"
(My Scheme of Work)
I intend to try and get in contact with Jon Davison so I can discuss these issues with him...watch this space.
Yes. It finally happened. After months of preparation, countless revisions, rehearsals, tearing out of hair and minor mental breakdowns, fires in train stations, national strikes, postponements and possible cancellations, it actually happened.
The extra time that we have had to devote to the CGP Project has had one unfortunate consequence, which is that we have mostly had to ignore, or perhaps even for some people, abandon entirely, our personal projects for the Developing Your Disciplines Project (hence the terrible lack of posts on this blog). So where does that leave the Failure Project now? Well, it will play a part in the Viva Voce I have to prepare and present as assessment for this course, albeit in a slightly different way and less visible form than I had first imagined. The main task now is to look at it in the context of the work I have done at the Pompidou Centre, discovering, interpreting and analysing the links and divergences between them. Hopefully, I will be able to devote more time to this Project in the summer.
Anyway...another day, another clown workshop, this time by Jon Davison, and a very different atmosphere and direction to the workshops I observed from John Wright. I sensed a shift in focus in the act of clowning, which semms to lead to a shift in the performer-audience dynamic.
Jon Davison placed great emphasis on honesty of emotion in performance: about each performer being honest about the emotions they were experiencing at that very moment, in real life, as it were, which would then be used in the performance. For example, when an exercise performed by two of the participants in the workshop seemed to be failing, with the scene becoming uninspired and boring, Jon encouraged the performers to use the real feelings of frustration and discomfort that they were experiencing when continuing with the scene. As a result, the scene almost immediately picked up, becoming more interesting, more engaging, and more funny. As Jon himself said at the time "when you don't like where you are...that's a good place to stay". It was all about committing yourself as a performer to the emotion present, whatever it may be, whether positive or negative, whether reasonable or completely weird, without fighting it or trying to change it or lie about it. In this way, the clown character was more of an extension of their real selves and personalities, rather than an outside character added on quite artificially (as I sometimes sensed in the John Wright workshop).
Because of this, I feel the focus of this workshop was more performer-centered, rather than the more heavily audience-centered workshop from John Wright. I felt that during the exercises, the performers were encouraged to focus primarily on what was NOW - what they knew to be present at that very moment, i.e. their own emotions, rather than what they anticipated in the audience later (such as laughter).
Now, in all honestly, the performances and improvisations in the Jon Davison were a lot less funny than the John Wright workshop, and so if you were to judge clowning on terms of its comedic value and of how funny it actually is, John Wright wins (although it may just be that the performers in his workshops were funnier, rather than the method having an influence on how funny it was). However, I found Jon Davison's methods to be more interesting in relation to my own practice, and particularly, the links I feel are present with my interests in the Failure Project. I found his focus on the use of the performer's real experiences in the moment to generate material for performance pertinent to my own ideas of the Failure Project, in which I have asked:
"Failure can often point to the individuality and uniqueness of the performer (each person has their own unique physical limits and traits) – could a performance be created that fully utilises these aspects? In what ways can a performer make him/herself visible when performing and what does this add to or detract from a performance?"
(My Scheme of Work)
I intend to try and get in contact with Jon Davison so I can discuss these issues with him...watch this space.
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Clowning: John Wright
Failure forms the basis of many aspects of comedy (one can think of a million examples of comedy based on the failure of a person, or people, to correctly carry out a task, communicate with others, or interpret a situation correctly).
This is particularly true in the physical comedy one finds in clowning.
No investigation into failure would be complete without an investigation into clowning, and so as part of my research for this project, I went to watch a clowning workshop led by the director John Wright. Wright also very kindly allowed me to interview him via phone, and although my interviwing skills leave much to be desired I was able to gain some very valuable and interesting insights from him.
What struck me most during both the workshop and the interview was the emphasis placed on the audience, or perhaps more accurately, the interaction between the audience and the performer. Throughout the exercises demonstrated to us in the workshop, John could constantly be heard shouting out to the performers "For us! For us!" or "Find us!" ('us' meaning the audience) stressing the need for the performers to establish, and then maintain, a dialogue between themselves and the audience. For him, failure meant a breakdown in this interaction, a lack of interest and engagement in the audience. He calls it the "angel of death", to be avoided at all costs.
For John, the idea of failure in performance was completely located in the audience's reception - whether or not they engaged with a performance, were interested in it, thought it funny or moving...in short, whether a performance ultimately succeeds or fails. And although I of course agree with this, I want to broaden the idea of failure into other areas:
This is particularly true in the physical comedy one finds in clowning.
No investigation into failure would be complete without an investigation into clowning, and so as part of my research for this project, I went to watch a clowning workshop led by the director John Wright. Wright also very kindly allowed me to interview him via phone, and although my interviwing skills leave much to be desired I was able to gain some very valuable and interesting insights from him.
What struck me most during both the workshop and the interview was the emphasis placed on the audience, or perhaps more accurately, the interaction between the audience and the performer. Throughout the exercises demonstrated to us in the workshop, John could constantly be heard shouting out to the performers "For us! For us!" or "Find us!" ('us' meaning the audience) stressing the need for the performers to establish, and then maintain, a dialogue between themselves and the audience. For him, failure meant a breakdown in this interaction, a lack of interest and engagement in the audience. He calls it the "angel of death", to be avoided at all costs.
For John, the idea of failure in performance was completely located in the audience's reception - whether or not they engaged with a performance, were interested in it, thought it funny or moving...in short, whether a performance ultimately succeeds or fails. And although I of course agree with this, I want to broaden the idea of failure into other areas:
- The ability of the performer - what happens if a performer is required to complete physical, vocal or emotional tasks that they are unable to fulfill completely?
- Accident and mistake - in what ways does this manifest itself in performance and what effect can it have on performance?
Most importantly, how can a performer negotiate these 'failures' if and when they happen so that they create an interesting and valuable addition to a performance - so they they can move beyond failure and into success?
One week, 3 days ago, my grandmother - my abuela - died.
I had written a post about this, and intended to include it in this blog - in some ways it seemed to fit the ideas and concepts of failure that I'm looking at - but after a lot of debating with myself have decided to withdraw it. It's not the right time.
I had written a post about this, and intended to include it in this blog - in some ways it seemed to fit the ideas and concepts of failure that I'm looking at - but after a lot of debating with myself have decided to withdraw it. It's not the right time.
Monday, 12 May 2008
The failure begins here...
Hmmmm. It's difficult to know where to begin these things...
This blog will document my progress (or failure to progress) through the 'Developing Your Discplines' Unit of my MA, Performance Practices and Research. I have decided to focus on the concept of failure in performance during this term, specifically the failures of the performing body (although I'm open to other areas, too). This blog will be a document of my thoughts, musings, ideas etc through this term.
I've never successfully kept a diary before, and blogs often seem like virtual diaries - so we'll see how things go with this. It's interesting, and strange, how many people choose to make their private lives public in this way, but that's another story.
This blog will document my progress (or failure to progress) through the 'Developing Your Discplines' Unit of my MA, Performance Practices and Research. I have decided to focus on the concept of failure in performance during this term, specifically the failures of the performing body (although I'm open to other areas, too). This blog will be a document of my thoughts, musings, ideas etc through this term.
I've never successfully kept a diary before, and blogs often seem like virtual diaries - so we'll see how things go with this. It's interesting, and strange, how many people choose to make their private lives public in this way, but that's another story.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
